Oh Baby, Get Me Back To Work

Sometimes you are with your newborn for 12 weeks, and it is hard but blissful. Sometimes after those 12 weeks, you are so sad to return to work and have anxiety about being apart from your baby. For some new parents, maternity leave feels like a flash in the pan, and it is almost unbelievable that it is already time to go back to work. 



And sometimes, for some parents, it’s not like that at all. 



Returning to work may sound like the best idea anyone has had in a really really long time.

12 weeks glued to another human who needs everything to be provided for them means one thing in theory, and feels totally different in reality.

Being with an infant is exhausting.

It is a time warp, and time seems to function differently. Having autonomy to care for yourself is almost universally put in second place to the needs of your child.

And it can be a scary thing to realize you would rather go back to work than be with your child. 

But if that is you, it doesn’t mean you hate your baby.

It doesn’t mean you aren’t a good parent.

It doesn’t even say you regret having this new person in your life.



But it can mean that you need work to be a good parent. 



Or in other words, it's okay if you need to regain a part of your identity to be healthy and have the ability to be present with your child.

Every single family is going to have conversations about how they want this crazy ride to go, and when they need to get off for a little while. Really common questions can be: How will you take breaks? How will you stay connected to your partner? How will you learn about what being a parents means? And when to go back to work, if at all?

Work for many people isn’t just a source of a paycheck. Work can be social stimulation, personal growth, or a creative outlet. Wanting to have a little bit of your “normal” back after so much change makes a lot of sense when we consider how much is thrown at new parents and especially those parents who give birth.

So if you are psyched to trade out the burp cloth for your laptop, know that in doing so you are not a bad parent. For many, going to work means you can take a big breath when you get home, and jump into caring for you child without resentment, because you might just find, you missed her while you were away all day.

Who Does What: Increasing Equality After Baby Arrives

New Baby, New Frustrations

With a new baby, there are great intentions about sharing responsibilities, but a reality that is just starting to get more attention is that two-parent heterosexual households are still not equal.

With having a husband being shown to add 7 hours of housework to a to-do list, a big worry of women is how they are supposed to take care of a baby and do everything else?

The answer is that women aren’t. So the way to make that happen is starting hard conversations. Conversations that have probably been long in the making. And talks like these are scary because they can go wrong so quickly.

Wanting to change the dynamic of a household means something, but change can’t happen unless everyone is on board. Sure, somethings can change without having conversations, but that is usually a short term battle of passive-aggressive choices to leave tasks undone, and postponing the inevitable - talking it out.

Some Language

Experts agree that discussing how you are feeling is more productive than blaming a person for not doing a task or attacking their character.

"Tell them you feel anxious, trapped, burdened, worried, alone, ignored, invisible, unappreciated, sad, or distant when you do it all and how you really don't want to feel that way," she said. "If you get your communication right, your partner will respond with empathy and compassion." - Alicia H Clark

Stop doing things. Not passive aggressively - but stop doing things compulsively. There is usually an "over-functioning" partner that compulsively attends to the task. It can be just as hard for this partner to learn some things don't need to be done, as it can be for the other partner to start doing more.

"This new baby is amazing but also really difficult. We both want to be connected to the new life that's joined our family but also be connected and stay sexual beings with one another. Let's be in this soup together; you and me against the world." - Laura Silverstein

Invisible Task List

One of the many direct conversations that have to happen is defining what the tasks are. And that is one of the problems. It is easy to agree that the obvious tasks with a new baby will be feeding, changing diapers, burping and holding, but if that were the problem alone, this would be an "easy fix."

However, life doesn't stop.

• Who takes out the garbage?

• Who makes sure there is toilet paper?

• Who RSVPs to parties and events? Who cooks?

• Who washes and folds laundry?

It's the entire life together that gets rearranged, and maybe you need to make a checklist. Perhaps it needs to be ridiculously long so all the jobs can be seen, at once, on paper. It may be the first time your partner can begin to understand what your day to day life looks like and vice versa.

Once the list exists, each person can have clear expectations of what each person is responsible. Also, for situations about preference, such as water glasses should live next to the sink and not in the middle of the counter - well, there may be some give and take. The important part is that you have started talking about it all.

Sleep Like A Baby: Why We Insist On 8-hours Of Care

 Every family is different, but when we receive a call for nighttime support, one policy we insist upon for everyone is our shift minimum — 8 hours with a Maine Doulas professional in your home, helping your entire family sleep. 

If we are asked to come into your home for one night or 50, we know we are going to be a part of some of your most vulnerable moments.  For those who have already experienced nights awake with your baby, you know there is a combination of surreal awareness of how quiet and calm the rest of the world seems, and a deep aching to find a way to help your baby back to rest.  Minutes seem never-ending.  

We know that sleep is one of the most important things a family needs to function well. However, it may be difficult to understand how far reaching the effects can have.

Sleep promotes healing 

Your body can produce more white blood cells while you are asleep than when you are awake.  Being in an unconscious state also allows your brain to take stock of your bodies needs and respond by releasing hormones that can repair tissue and blood vessels.   When you are not getting enough sleep, your immune system is not able to properly heal from current damage, or protect you from potential infection. 

Sleep offers your whole body a break

 When you are sleeping, the demands on your heart decrease and your blood pressure will naturally lower.  Hormones released while asleep also trigger slower breathing and deep muscle relaxation that cannot happen while awake, allowing for your entire body rest.

Sleep helps with mood and outlook

When asleep, your body has fewer demands placed on it, so your body and mind participate in restorative tasks.  After waking from a restful sleep, your body, mind, and stress levels have been adjusted, allowing a refreshed outlook on situations that may cause overwhelm.  Postpartum mood and anxiety disorders are a common part of recovery from birth, and one of the ways to take an active role in your recovery is to be committed to getting at least 7 hours of restful sleep each day.  

When we receive inquiries for overnight help, we want families to know we are committed to their long term success. 

So long term success means being committed to rest.  It may not be possible for everyone to have a doula help with night parenting and emotional support through tough feeding sessions for months at a time.  However, we are committed for whatever length of time we are with you, and for that reason, we insist on overnight support lasting at least 8 hours.  

We want to understand your concerns, help with multiple feedings, and then settle you and your small child back to rest to allow your entire household the opportunity to get a long stretch of restful sleep.  

Our policy isn't about us. It's all about you.  Let us know if you are interested in help for your household to wake rested and well cared for.