Real Parenthood: When Will It Get Easier?

Parenting is hard. Full stop. No exceptions. And it is hard that is worthwhile and worthwhile for most and has the potential to be an immense source of joy.

But when parents are in the throws of all the various hard parts, there is absolutely a lingering thought, When does this get easier?!

Honestly, there is no destination of Easy. There is no place you arrive at, and all is well, everyone can use their words, an coexist with patience and generosity.

But there are definitely points in parenting where you are going to notice some significant changes. And with those changes come a sigh. A pause. A chance to reflect and see how far you have come and how much strength and courage you have. AND how you have fostered that same resilience in the small human you have been shepherding along.

Yep, you can keep them alive!

This first sigh comes with the realization that it was not a mistake when the hospital let you leave with an infant, and yes, you can change diapers, feed, and comfort your babe. You can do it!

The year of firsts

It is an incredible waterfall of new skills and feelings, and abilities seem to roll through one after another. This will be a period of rapid growth and rapid adjustments to your world. There will be lots of tiny sighs here: Sleeping longer stretches, rolling over, showing interest in something for many minutes in a row, eating solid foods - all allow for a little bit more space.

The constant terror of falling is over!

When your child learns to navigate stairs consistently and safely, they have usually also gained enough self-awareness and experience with their center of gravity that the rush of panic of them falling off things they inevitably climb up (maybe when you are watching) starts to lessen. It is such a lovely moment to watch your child do a hard thing, like climb up and down stairs, and be apart from them as their cheerleader, and not their stunt team.

There are words, and they are understood!

We are helping our children all the time with language acquisition and development, but when you see your child put together that milk is milk, or chair is chair, or outside is outside. It is glorious. And not just because you want them to know what those things mean. But because it leads to the moment where you can say, Please get your shoes and coat so we can go outside!" AND THEN THEY DO IT.

Getting themselves a snack

When your child learns how to get a snack, this is a magical day. Enjoy this day. This is a huge day. You deserve all the glory on this day.

Unsupervised use of craft supplies

Anyone who has spend time with littles knows their glee of crafting is infectious. However, their ability to control things like, the dispersement of glitter, the ooze of glue, or understand the danger of scissors takes time and much supervision before they become mastered. But oh, when this day comes, you know you have reached a new plateau in your parenting, and that plateau deserves cake!

"Where's my...?"

I don't know if this ever really goes away, but there is a point where this becomes less frequent, and you have done the work to help your small person learn personal responsibility, troubleshooting, and the value of going and looking. This too is a season to celebrate, you have gone from personal assistant to life coach!

The end being a chauffeur

If you are a fan of public transportation or getting a driver's license, when your (not so small) person can start getting to and from their various life activities, it too is a day to take a sign and say, we made it! The work to take and collect your child from academics, friends, activities, and every other thing consumes a lot of time! It is time you are now able to choose how to spend, to keep up with the status quo, or to let them take the wheel - and having that choice is a banner day!

As you move through parenthood, you will find there are many, many more times when you realized some things have gotten a little bit easier. Please take a minute when that happens and recognize the work it took to get there, and relish the joy of another immeasurable success.

Birth With A View: A Partner's Birth Story

I have been to two births in my life, and both were of my children. When it was time to watch the scenes of birth in the childbirth class we attended, I looked away, it seeming so voyeristic. I had no interest in seeing my child be born, and I don't know why. It didn't seem gross, or dirty, and it certainly didn't seem sexual. But thinking about it now, I've always shied away from the insides of things - cuts, sores, even half chewed food on display makes my stomach turn. I did not want my time meeting my child to be muffled by feeling light headed or naseaous. That seemed irresponsible. I was becoming someone's father, passing out seemed like the worst possible way to start that adventure.

When my first child was born, I was amazed by my wife. Sitting at the head of her hospital bed, holding her hand, and watching her battle with every pain and movement my daughter made, swelled the feelings of pride I had for this woman who seemed to think me a worthy partner. I always believed I had "married up," but this moment only solidified how much gratitude I needed to express to this woman, this incredible woman who chose to do give birth as a warrior.

I was anxious. I knew so little. There seemed to be so many ways everything could go wrong. Every time the nurse came into move a monitor, or adjust a tube, or take a blood pressure reading, I would hold my breath thinking she was coming into say it was time to take her back to surgery.

My wife was so angry. Every interruption caused her to erupt. She was in a totally different world, and being forced out of it, even though it was full of pain, made her rage against the people in her room. The nurse's lips would purse over and over, and she kept telling my wife she needed to get off the floor, or she needed to get in a different position, or she needed to breath differently.

My wife ignored her every time.

We had a doula for the birth of our first child. And my mother-in-law was with us as well. I was not sure how to navigate the authority of the nurse with the unmistakable authority of my wife. Every time there was a standoff, without fear the doula would glide over, rest a comforting hand on the small of my wife's back, and talk low and gently. I don't know what was said, but the soon my wife would be moving from the floor to the bed, or from one position to another, with much less fire in her eyes.

I was much less anxious at the birth of our second child, and my wife was even more powerful. She had what is called a precipitous birth, where everything happens very fast, and somehow my wife knew it would be this way. We purposefully went to the hospital before labor began, but she was already a week past her due date. When the midwife came in to discuss induction options, my wife held the midwife's hands and looked her in the eyes and I'll never forget she said, "You may not believe me, but I want you to break my bag of waters and stay with me in the room. This is going to be very fast.”

I do not believe in spiritual or religious institutions.
I am a man of science.
I appreciate facts and spirited arguments.
But I learned something very important that day about my wife - My wife is magic.

The midwife said she would need to evaluate how high the baby was, and that Pitocin is typically the way they would like to get contractions started.

After about an hour of discussion, the midwife was not excited about it, but she admitted that there was no reason she could find not to break the bag if that was what my wife wanted.

I don't really remember exactly what happened, but her bag was broke, my wife turned over so her back was facing me, and the most guttural sound came from the person I love. I didn't look. I just closed my eyes thinking my wife was being ripped apart, and in the next moment, my child was born.

It was the fastest 17 minutes of my life.

I know it is not like this for everyone. I know that we are lucky to have a medical team who stopped to hear my wife and believe her. I know that in any instant the entire world can tilt and tragedy can strike. And I also know that the way my children came into this world is seared in my brain as an unmistakable example of how fierce and reckless our existence really is.

Postpartum Doulas: Magical Baby Mavens

"What does a postpartum doula do, anyway?"

It's a bit of a magical unicorn position, really. The postpartum healing period has some commonalities that get talked about pretty openly: the lack of sleep, the tender breasts, the feelings.

But the common parts of postpartum healing that don't get talked about are some of the areas where a postpartum doula can help an entire family feel on firmer footing with an infant in the house.

1) Postpartum doulas know things.

Having information is one of the most comforting parts of having an expert in your home. What bottle will your baby like? When could you transition from feeding on demand to a more predictable schedule? How can you help your baby pass gas? These are all right on the tip of your doula's tongue. But the knowledge is even more helpful when you don't know what to ask.

While your doula is dutifully doing the caretaking of you and your baby and task mastering, she is also observing. There are so many worries that come with new parenthood, and your gut instinct is still being calibrated. Your doula will help to identify when, yes, you're right, calling the pediatrician would be a good idea. Let's get that checked out!

2) "Tell me a more about that."

Your postpartum doula may have seemingly boundless information, but that doesn't mean she will overwhelm you with it. Some of the doulas who make lasting impressions on their clients are those who have learned the compassionate art of asking questions. You are the one healing, and your experience is what should be validated. Your doula won't compare or belittle your pain, worry, or emotions. Your doula will want you to feel so safe that you can be vulnerable, leaving all your energy to be used to bond, heal, and experience the fleeting reality of newborn life.

3) A different kind of "friends with benefits."

Some of us have friends that feel like family, and having them around is no work at all. Couple that ease with the utility and charm of Mary Poppins, and you've got yourself a postpartum doula. Simply, a postpartum doula makes your life with a baby easier.

Real Labor: 4 Things Doulas Know

If you were to get a group of doulas in a room and ask them some of the "realist" things about what happens in the labor room, you might be surprised! We want to share some light on what birth professionals know over years of attending pregnant people in labor and delivery.

Real Labor #1 - It's great to move in labor, but you may not want to.

Many people have a fear that they are going to be "tied to the bed" by the various medical instruments that come with having a baby in a hospital. There are heart rate monitors, contraction monitors, blood pressure cuffs, and IV line, and maybe more depending on the client. But for a lot of laboring folk, moving does not look like the long walks down the hallway and the active dance routines you see in online viral videos. For most people, when a laboring woman is going to the hospital, they are ready to focus, and rest when possible. Both of those things can be done in the hospital bed.

AND the hospital bed itself moves into various positions that can help with positions such as hands and knees, supported squatting, and more.

Key Points: Movement in labor is possible. Even small adjustments and shifts are helpful. You may not be interested in leaving the bed.

Real Labor #2 Not everybody poops, and if you do, we aren't going to tell you.

Another common fear for laboring parents is pooping while being in the 2nd stage of labor: the pushing stage. Pooping is common because as the baby moves through the birth canal, his or her head is physically pushing against the colon, helping to move any fecal matter that is still in the bowel out of your body.

For some people, they have emptied their lower bowel before entering this stage, and there is nothing for the baby's head to move against. For others, some poop may be present.

Surprise! Either way, you get good news! If a laboring person is pooping while pushing, it is a visible sign that they are pushing well and that they are making progress! And if there is no poop, well, then there is no poop!

Key Points: The fear of pooping is common. If you have some small bowel movements while pushing, your nurse is extremely discreet and will help clear it away usually before it is noticed. And, we aren't going to confirm anything if you aren't sure yourself.

Real Labor #3 When they say you can't eat in labor, it's okay because you won't want to.

Having a food restriction is a standard hospital practice. Having access to a clear food tray, or liquids only sound horrible to most people! But when we are talking with our clients, we want to give some reassurance about this fear of not being able to eat - once you get to the hospital, most likely you aren't going to be hungry.

Getting your body ready for labor may mean that in early labor while still at home, you are having nibbles and bites of food that sound good, and keep you energized. As your contractions start getting stronger and closer together, your body goes through a natural shift that begins to open your core and focus your attention and energy into giving birth to your baby. Bites of food can feel like whole meals, tasty snacks can quickly turn unsatisfying and dry.

Staying hydrated starts to become the focus, as does conserving energy in between contractions, and of course, actively managing pain and tension during contractions.

Your body too, will focus it's resources into your uterus, making eating sound unappealing altogether. Nobody wants to eat a cheeseburger while in labor.

Key Points: Hunger during labor can be satisfied with very little and is often not as overwhelming as it sounds beforehand. Once active labor has started, the idea of eating may not be attractive as your contractions get stronger. The first meal you eat after you deliver will taste incredible because of both your renewed awareness of your hunger and because you will have exerted so much energy giving birth

Real Labor #4 - Having a plan for your birth is great, but being connected to the birth that is happening is better.

So much talk about birth plans and how to have a good birth, when really what has been shown to make a difference on birth satisfaction is being supported without judgement, and being able to participate in making decisions during birth.

And not even getting what that person wants, just being included in the conversation.

And this isn’t to dissuade anyone from thinking about options and making a birth plan. Quite the opposite. It’s to allow each family some space to recognize birth is unknown, even in this day and age. Birth is unpredictable. And how a person feels during this unknown and unpredictable time is what should be taken into account even more.

Key Points: You are amazing and how you feel is a priority. Consent and information matters. Having a plan is helpful to learn options. Options can change quickly in labor and delivery.